Five shots

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Five shots, one broken heart, too many tears, and no names forgotten.

Today sucked.

Goodbye letter.

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Hi.

 First of all I just want to say Thank you for everything. You have taught me so much about everything. You taught me how to love, forgive, swallow my pride. Thank you for being so patient with me, for caring about me, and for loving me. I could have never asked for a better guy than you. Thank you for growing with me, for all the experiences, memories, that we had. I just want to let you know that I will always treasure them in my heart. I’m not gonna be who I am today without you.  

Second, I’m sorry for ever taking you for granted. I was going through all our text messages to each other before you asked for time apart. I realized that I was taking you for granted. I can’t help thinking that maybe if I didn’t turn down your invitations to go out, or maybe if I would’ve been more concerned and sensitive when you started getting sad, this may have never came to this. But I guess it’s too late now. Sorry for all the nonsense arguments that I started and for being so sensitive and insensitive at the wrong times.

I’m crying for the last seven years that we’ve been through. I honestly can’t remember any significant time in my life that you weren’t there. It’s gonna be so much hard to forget those last seven years when all of my happiest moments were with you, and were because of you. I’m crying for all the broken promises we had for each other. I’m crying for all our plans and all our dreams that may never happen. My vision of our lives in 5, 10 and 15 years had been so clear in my head, it’s really gonna be hard for me to let go. I’m lifting everything up to God, because I don’t know how to go on from here.

As much as it hurts, I have to say that I love you. And I probably always will. You are my first love, and I was so sure that you were gonna be my last too. No matter what I do, I know I’m still going to love you. I just want to let you know that I’ll stand by you for everything. God knows how much I tried to fight for us.

It breaks my heart that “we” have to end. But I know, I understand, that I have to let you go. And set you free. I just want to let you know that you deserve every happiness you get out of what you’re looking for. Don’t ever think yourself as a failure, because you’re just being true with yourself. Be strong for yourself. Be brave. You deserve everything. All the happiness, love, and affection that may happen to you.

As I write this, I’m still going over every possibility the will see through this. And I want to say "goodbye, for now". But it’s unfair for you to keep thinking about me. So this is just goodbye. You finally have the chance to focus on yourself. Please take care of yourself. Be smart. I know you’re responsible enough to not make decisions that you’ll regret. I so, so much more to say to you, but this is all I can for now. Always pray to God. He is the only one who can ultimately help you. I can only wish you peace of mind and happiness. 

I love you. 

Goodbye.

.

And so tonight I lay in the bed. Exhausted. Emotionally. Tears won’t stop. 

My heart is so full of love but completely broken.

What have I done wrong.

I just want you here to hold me so I can feel safe like I always do. In your arms.

What happened?

Why does it feel like all of this had happened before? I thought everything was fine; then you suddenly hit me with something that is pretty hard to swallow. I feel like I'm losing you. I feel like were losing each other. I'm sorry. This is not fair. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm confused. But most importantly, I'm scared. Please don't take this letter as a guilt trip to bring you back. I respect you and your feelings. I understand that there are some things you have to go through by yourself. I know you need a break. But I have to fight for us. Not because I'm afraid to lose you, but because it's the only thing I know how to do.

You have my heart. As simple as it sounds, it is also the truest thing I can admit.  I love those rare moments when you wrap your hands around my waist while we walk. You were never for public displays of affection and every time you do that, it just sends me over the clouds. I'm pretty sure you have no idea just how much you affect me. I love how even the corniest and most juvenile things make you hysterical like a little kid. And how your laugh is so contagious that everyone around you starts laughing when you do. Even just thinking about it now brings a comical grin on my lips. Every simple thing you do completes my day: a smile, a kiss, or even a text telling me to bundle up because it’s extra cold outside. You are too much for me. And I love it.

I miss you. So much, my chest literally hurts. Just like Blair's love is for Chuck, mine for you is all-consuming.

But don’t worry, I’m a strong girl.

I'll keep holding on. Patience and Understanding: those are what I need right now. And maybe some chocolates. It's Valentines Day after all.

LookBook

5years.

6 years ago, I met you. And I don't know what, but you had a certain something that made me notice you. You were my crush, secretly. Maybe because back then you were chasing someone else. Then, I don't know what happened, but I guess you noticed me too? Not even a month passed, you asked me out. I accepted. Then we tried dating, though it didn't work out because you confused your feelings for her with me. The day before valentines day, and two days before our first month, you broke up with me. My first love, my first heartbreak. Then, I promised myself that I would never let a guy enter that easily into my heart. Boy, was I wrong.

Almost a year passed and a lot of dramas happened: we became best friends and you kept on chasing her while I kept comforting you. I also kept asking myself why I stay with you when I knew I was holding on to nothing. I guess I never really got over you. 5 years ago in October, you got what you've been wishing for all year. She finally loved you back, and that time, it was real. But that time, you didn't anymore. Because that time, you said you missed your best friend more than her. Every night, you wanted to talk to your best friend on the phone instead of her. When there was a sleepover at a friend's house, you wanted to sleep near your best friend, not her. That time, you said you love me, and not her. Now, this was not my plan. I never wanted to be a "boyfriend stealer". I was really contented with my situation and wished for nothing more than you to be happy, even if it was with her. But then, I still couldn't deny that fact that I loved you, the reason I have been staying by your side. So i broke my promise. Not even a month later, 5 years ago in November 15, we became 'us'. And then my forever began.

You became my everything. The best part of my day. Your good morning text brightens my morning while your voice on the phone was my lullaby at night. Even one text from you can turn my lousy day around. You know, I loved how you never run out of things to talk about. I loved how you can think of a joke just like that to make me laugh. I loved how every time I get mad, you know just what to do so I won't get mad at you anymore. I loved how you talk about the future, our future. I loved you. And now, on our fifth anniversary together, I can say that I love you more than yesterday, and I know I will love you even more tomorrow, until forever. I can't believe how far we've have come together.

I am proud of us. We've been through hell and back, and after all that, you're still here. I admit, more than once I wanted to give up on us, but you didn't walk away. So now I want to say thanks. Thank you for always choosing to stay. You always set your pride aside when it comes to me and I am grateful for that. I know I am still learning to do that, but I know that you won't let me go. Thank you for your endless patience. Thank you for listening to everything I have to say. Because of that, I learned to be confident of my feelings, to have faith in myself, to love myself. Thank you for five years of memories with you. Memories I will treasure forever. Thank you for being the best guy a girl could ask for. Thank you for being who you are.

Finally, I just want to say again that I love you. And that I won't ever get tired of saying it. Every relationship has their own definition of forever. Some lasts for a month, a year, 2 years, then its over. For us, I know it's far from that. Our forever's not done yet. I don't think it will ever be.

blogging again.

i am still hesitant to use this blog again. But then again, I do miss the feeling of typing out what I want to say. I am not the most outspoken person in the world, and sometimes my feelings are too strong to be just kept inside. I miss blogging. I miss having something where I can pour my heart out in words, because I know I can't do it verbally. This blog had been a space for me and my thoughts of mostly just random and senseless things. And for the past few days, my mind had been filled with those stuff. I need somewhere to put it. so, welcome again. :)


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Jerk.

Today, I realized that I have not been respecting myself the way I am supposed to. For a girl, anything that has to do with intimacy is a big deal. And I just realized that today. If it hadn't been for this guy who made me feel so low about myself, I'd still blindly succumb to anything he wishes or desires. So maybe I'll thank him a little. But that's it. I just had to rant about this today. Kicking me out just after he got what he wanted? Like seriously? Is that a right way to treat a girl? I felt so used. He made me felt cheap. And the worst part is, HE got mad because I was pissed. He got mad because he didn't understand why I got mad. It has always been like this every time. He just asked me why I was mad without even trying to think back on what he may have done that got me ticked. I deserve more than this.